Writing TV, not just about it!

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I am putting this site on hold because I am currently working on getting the pilot I wrote produced. We are running a kickstarter campaign right now and it ends on Friday. I will be able to breathe and post after that. In the meantime if you feel like supporting a homegrown comedy pilot written, produced and directed by women, check out our campaign here:

kck.st/U6MJa6

localceleb3

Local Celebrity is a comedy about a struggling actress who works as a spokescharacter for a local chain of fried chicken restaurants in Austin, Texas.

Thanks,
Emma

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Season 1 Episode 7: My Way

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mpep7 sandy's mouth

The opening shot is inside a woman’s screaming mouth and I feel like I’m watching Blue Velvet but it’s just Sandy auditioning for a horror movie.

mpep 7 sandy as classic actress

She even does the head tilt, hand on forehead pre-faint move to let us know she is a classically trained actress. The casting directors keep asking her to scream and tell her she did a great job.
Allison is doing dishes in their apartment and when Billy comes in she asks him where he has been all night.

He has been wandering the streets (shirtless apparently) because the paper he was writing for (for all of 3 episodes) went under so he is back to dude bro ennui. To be fair, Billy isn’t really a dude-bro he just looks like one. It seems like even the show writers don’t like Billy at this point.

mpep7 billy n the cocktailnapkin
Allison has cleaned the apartment and Billy is upset because she threw out a cocktail napkin that had his next short story idea on it. He then complains about her magazines in the bathroom and they bicker like a married couple. Allison leaves then Billy’s mother calls and leaves a voice-mail about him and Allison coming to Palm Springs this weekend. NOTE: Billy is from the Valley but his mother seems to have an English accent.
Michael and Jane are nesting for their baby (which I had actually forgotten about), when he twists his ankle moving furniture. Jane insists he needs to do to the doctor. This is only important because he ends up on crutches.

mpep 7 michael and jane nesting
Billy shows up at Allison’s work where she is still the receptionist (even though she has been allowed to pitch ideas to big clients. He brings her flowers and apologizes and they flirt because outside of their apartment their weird husband/wife but sometimes mother/son  like relationship can be cute and not creepy. He asks her to go to Palm Springs (Of course she doesn’t know that he already told them she was going.) and she accepts. This is going to be bad.

At Shooters, Jake and Sandy flirt and she says there is no way she got the part. She is complaining about how scary making it in LA is then Rhonda comes and tells her there was a message on their shared answering machine (the 90’s!) and she did get the part!

In Palm Springs, Billy admits to Allison as they are knocking on his parents door that he told his folks she is his girlfriend. Who knows why. I am sure there is a dumb reason that will be revealed.

mpep7 billys parents
These are Billy’s parents. We still don’t know why Billy’s mother has a slight English accent. It might be the actress’s attempt at a posh American accent but it is definitely English.

Sandy is trying to learn her lines and she is stressed but excited. She  freaks out when Rhonda tries to use the phone because the production office might be calling. Rhonda’s eye roll when Sandy tells her to get off the phone even though they have call waiting is great.

mpep7 rhonda call waiting
Billy has apparently been lying to his parents about a lot of things. He told them Allison was a literary agent and they met when she read his script. Oh God. Billy has way bigger issues then I ever realized. I am worried for him.

mpep4 billyrear window

Allison is pissed and threatens to tell his parents the truth. Billy tells her she should be flattered. To be pretend dating him? Or that he made up a more impressive job for her? Either way, that’s a dumb thing to say to someone you want something from. We learn that last year on his dad’s birthday, Billy gave up an offer to be a partner in the family business so he wants to show them he is doing okay on his own. He told them he would give writing a try for a year and if it didn’t work he would go back to the family business. Allison is a distraction and a way to prove he is a successful writer. The dating lie still seems pretty unnecessary.
Billy’s dad starts pressing the writing/salesman thing and asks Allison what her opinion is on Billy’s career. It gets weird and I feel bad for all of them.
Sandy is getting dressed up to go to a party with a producer and Rhonda is mad because she is wearing her dress BUT it turns out the gang is also coming over to surprise Sandy with cake and balloons to congratulate her on getting the part. I wish I had neighbors that brought me cake.

mpep7 surprise party

Side note: I have never had a surprise party thrown for me and even though I actually think I would hate it, there is part of me that is still bitter about the fact that I’ve never had one.
Sandy freaks out about the party because she doesn’t want the producer to know this part is a big deal to her. Rhonda then gets super pissed at her for being ungrateful and Sandy says thank you to them all but decides to meet her date outside and leaves her own surprise party after one minute.

I have mixed feeling about this. The casting director knows she’s inexperienced. I really don’t think it would be that big of a deal for him to see that she has nice friends, but I do understand being freaked out about messing stuff up. But man, the drama. I hope pregnant Jane got some cake at least.
Billy goes to talk to his dad and Pops is nicer than he seemed at dinner. He just wants Billy to have security. He convinces Billy to try working at the furniture store, and it is obvious it will not end well.
Billy’s mom then says it’s fine for Billy and Allison to sleep together. Allison is freaked but Billy tells her to chill out even though he is only wearing boxers. He is also mad at her for not defending his (fake) writing career enough at dinner. Maybe they are really dating.  Allison decides to sleep in the bed with Billy but she keeps  her fluffy robe and her pajamas on.

mpep7 billy n allison sleep like vampires

What temperature is it in this room? Why do they both also sleep above the blankets and with their arms crossed like vampires?

mpep7 jake n sandy drunk
Sandy comes back from the Hollywood party super drunk and stumbling. She is also laughing as if someone else is there but it is just her. Jake comes out and talks to her and she can’t really stand up but he hits on her anyway. She laughs and says you had your chance though then stumbles off like a hobo.

mpep7 billy n allison getting ready for work
Billy goes to his first day at his dad’s office and he slicks back his hair and puts on a tie. He is already complaining about the job. Allison tells him not to do it but he says he has to. Notice the collar and dead eyed look? Billy really looks like a vampire in this episode. I may be reaching but I think this was the director’s way of showing us just how dead inside this sales job will make him? (It’s a boring episode, I have to bring my own fun.)

mpep7 sandy in mirror

Rhonda starts to fall asleep helping Sandy run lines. They start to fight and Rhonda accuses Sandy of changing and letting her success go to her head. Sandy says everyone is just jealous of her because they aren’t going anywhere. She then apologizes but it’s too late. They yell and Sandy says she’s going to move out and move up! Rhonda says “Break a leg, baby,: but at first I thought she said break a leg bitch and got really excited that the catty, insane Melrose I remember was starting to surface. Not yet. Where are Sydney and Amanda???

mpep7 sandy and the horror movie
Sandy is shooting the horror movie and it looks terrible.The director wants the killer to rip Sandy’s top open before he kills her. Sandy is upset because it wasn’t in the script and the director (who is a woman, probably on purpose so it would be slightly less creepy) says “not everything is in the script hon.”
Sandy doesn’t want to do it and the director says she either does it or gets re-cast. Sandy says she’ll do it but you know it hurts her heart.

mpep7 sandy n knife
He cuts her (cute) top open with the knife and it is super creepy and Sandy looks terrified and she is crying for real. It’s pretty sad but Amy Locane is a better actress than I initially gave her credit for.
Sandy is back at the apartment, packing to move out and Rhonda is surprised it is happening even though they talked about it. They semi-apologize to eachother but Sandy still thinks it is time she moves out.

mpep7 billy n suit

At the furniture store, Billy is dealing with the most annoying customer ever. Little Billy looks pretty adorable in his dad’s suit. Bea is trying to get a better deal and being a real bitch and Billy tells her he doesn’t care if she leaves or not. She leaves and Billy calls her a bitch too! His dad wants him to go apologize but he refuses and quits. Sure Billy, this is way less hurtful to his dad than if you had just not worked there in the first place.  F-ing vampires.

mpep7 jake n sandy

Jake sees Sandy leaving with some things and can sense something bad happened to her. Sandy starts crying and tells him about the movie but what we don’t know is she ended up quitting because the director wanted her to do even more degrading stuff. Sandy is mad at herself and thinks the answer is to move on and get a new life with new friends. Jake is not gonna let her go that easily.

Billy shows up at Allison’s work again and says he needs to talk. He gives a weird monologue about going to the movies in the afternoon and seeing all of these nubile teen girls there and feeling like an old pathetic sack of shit. Nubile teen girls were his words, sack of shit were mine.
Anyway he can’t please his dad so he is apparently going to become the next Humbert Humbert or that was just a weird aside that didn’t get edited out. The word nubile just made it so creepy.

mpep7 allison headset
Allison doesn’t know what he should do either but she looks cool in her headset and they got to have a scene at her office instead of in their apartment. Why are we wasting time on this scene instead of finding Matt? He has been in one scene this episode and he was basically an extra.

BRING BACK MATT!

mpep6 Matt the coach
Michael is having a pity party about becoming a dad and not knowing what to do. Jane tells him he will be great and they kiss. I would have also traded their whole boring plot for some Matt scenes.
Rhonda is doing crunches when Sandy comes back. She tells Rhonda she isn’t leaving and Rhonda is very excited even though Sandy wasn’t going to give her any notice when she left. They eat the cake Sandy refused a few days earlier and they make up.

mpep7 cake time
Billy goes back to the furniture store after hours to talk to his dad. There might be lambs on Billy’s tie but I can’t get a good enough screen shot to see for sure. Billy tells his dad why he can’t work for him and he understands.They hug and everything is okay.

mpep7 allison grilling

Allison is grilling and Billy asks if it’s for him (apparently he forgot they weren’t really dating) and Allison says sure. She forgot too, I guess. Steak is expensive! Billy also admits that hasn’t told his parents they aren’t really dating and makes a joke about telling them on the next family vacation.
Allison, stop making this child steaks, it confuses him!
This episode had far too little Matt, no dances, and no kissing. UGH, NEXT.

Season 1 Episode 6: Second Chance

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mpep6 matt with cigar

We open on the gang playing poker! Matt is even holding (but not smoking, this is the 90’s not Mad Men) a cigar. Allison wins all the money and was bluffing. Everyone is shocked that she can bluff, and she tells them she is great under pressure. “In college I was the cram queen.” Does that sound gross to anyone else? Jake is super turned on.

mpep6 jake and allison studying

This whole scene seems like a very forced way to let us know that Allison is good at studying and that Rhonda wants to go see a dance performance. I am listening, Rhonda.

Rhonda wants Matt to come with her to the show because her old dance buddy is in the troupe and she is nervous about seeing her again. Because Matt is the best, he agrees to go see a modern dance performance.

Jake comes by Allison’s apartment the next morning to see if she can help him with something but he won’t tell her what it is. He is all secrecy and muscles.

mpep6 jake's muscles

OMG the dance performance. It’s so great you guys.

mpep6 dance shot 1

It reminds me of the routines my friends and I would make up as kids, but obviously better and with more shirtless men. If I had had vhs access to this routine as a child I probably would have recruited some neighbor boys to pick me up a lot. I didn’t even try to restrain myself when it came to screen shots.

mpep6 dance shot 3 

mpep6 dance shot 2

mpep6 dance shot 4

Rhonda and Matt keep talking about how edgy the dance is. Everyone is pretty naked but it is basically just slow ballet to 80’s music. I would have thought it was very cool and sexy when I was 10.

Turns out, Jake doesn’t want Allison’s bod, he wants her brain. He is studying for the GED and wants Allison the Cram Queen’s help. He tells her this sad story about leaving the house as a teen. He never finished high school and worked in a lumber yard instead. Jake is a Billy Joel song, you guys. It is pretty sweet how nervous he is about asking her for help.

mpep6 jake and allison studying

Matt suggests he and Rhonda go say hi to Teresa,  Rhonda’s dancer friend from the past. It is very obvious that there is some beef there but they go anyway. Teresa is the worst. She thinks she is super important and says things like, “I was terrible but you wouldn’t know it from the applause. LA audiences are the best!”

I feel like besides New York, LA audiences are probably the most jaded and hard to impress, right?  I am just speculating but Teresa annoys me and says dumb things.

mpep6 rhondas friend

They decide to all get food together and of all the places in LA they could take her, they choose Shooters because it is on set and won’t require a location fee!

Of course, Teresa’s troupe is having an audition and she wants Rhonda to audition. Rhonda is having none of it. We find out that 5 years ago they were both up for a spot on this dance troupe but Rhonda twisted her ankle the day before and couldn’t go. Teresa got the part and Rhonda is still bitter. She will not be auditioning.

Later, Matt tries to convince Rhonda to audition. He even brings up fate. I don’t know if I would listen to a man in this outfit:

mpep6 matt's outfit 3

Billy is up early, knocking on people’s doors because Allison didn’t come home the night before. Michael tells him not to worry, she probably just got laid. Billy and Jane are skeptical and decide to call 911, which is pretty insane.

mpep6 courtyard reaction

The WHOLE complex is outside gossiping when Allison comes out of Jake’s apartment. They ask her straight up what happened but she can’t tell them because she swore to secrecy. Everyone assumes Jake and Allison are hooking up. Billy and Sandy are sad but pretending not to be.

mpep 6 dance attitude

Rhonda decides to audition ( I guess Matt’s power suit and speech combo worked) and Teresa decides to help her prep.  Rhonda has already choreographed a 3 second piece.  It is one or two moves, max, but we are supposed to be impressed. She does it and then Teresa does it better. There is a montage of them doing 2 or 3 different moves slowly (because neither of the actresses are real dancers, I’m guessing). It’s okay but I wish they would show a longer routine. I love dance routines so much, you guys.

mpep6 dance uber attitude

Billy and Sandy are commiserating at Shooters. Billy is way more upset about Jake and Allison than Sandy. Sandy is a pragmatist. She knows Jake sleeps with other girls and she can’t change that, but she will always be his number one flirt.

mpep 6 sandy jealous

They start hypothesizing about how Jake and Allison first hooked up which doesn’t really seem healthy but provides us with some awesome fantasy sequences. Sandy imagines Allison seducing Jake by asking to use his VCR. There lots of soft focus and soft core porn music.

mpep6 jake and al fantasy

Billy imagines Jake seducing Allison shirtless. Even Billy recognizes the power of saxophone music and shirtless Jake.

mpep6 jake and allison fantasy billy

Side note: Billy then imagines Jake telling Allison he is scared of spiders because he needs to feel like he has something over him. Sandy debunks this theory though, “Jake loves spiders! He keeps them as pets!” I really want this to become a b plot at some point but I doubt that it will. I would settle for just seeing a spider in a jar as set dressing in Jake’s apartment.

Allison is still just helping Jake study but asks for a glass of milk while wearing these shorts so you know she is really trying to seduce him.

mpep6 allison milk n shorts sitting

Do adults still drink milk? My dad would order milk in restaurants and I always thought it was the weirdest thing. I can’t imagine drinking a glass of milk. Ewww. Now I am going down an internet rabbit hole about milk and digestion. Turns out adults who can digest milk are the weird ones from an evolutionary perspective. More proof that Allison is a witch.

They talk about their lives. Jake is nervous about the future but also excited to see what might happen. Allison admits that, even though she seems put together, she is nervous about her future too. Melrose place characters: They’re just like us! Allison is clearly starting to have a high school style crush on Jake.

The next day, Billy invites Allison  to the beach and gets mad when she says she has to spend the day with Jake. He gets very dramatic and says he doesn’t even know her. Poor Billy.

mpep6 billy confused

Rhonda is  teaching her dance class and Matt is there being supportive. I guess the halfway house was on vacation this week? She is snappy and admits that she is worked up about missing her chance to audition 5 years ago. He tells her it’s not her fault she didn’t audition, she broke her foot. She agrees in a way that makes it very obvious that that isn’t what really happened. I love how many dance outfits are in this episode.

mpep6 matt n rhonda 90s style

Jake and Allison are now studying state capitols at the bar. I have never taken the G.E.D. but State capitols? Maybe. Jake wants to take a break and have fun so he grabs Allison and they leave. Maybe they will make out for real! People never pay their tabs on television.

Matt goes back to Rhonda’s studio and finds her still practicing at midnight. She seems stressed and he wants to make sure she knows how great she is no matter what. She admits that she didn’t really break her foot she just bailed on the audition years ago. I can’t remember if they hugged. They probably did even though Rhonda was super sweaty because Matt is the kind of friend who doesn’t care about that stuff.

mpep6 jake and allison on motorcycle

Jake takes Allison out on his motorcycle and she is super excited because she has never ridden on one before! It’s kind of like when Aladdin takes Jasmine on the magic carpet. That is actually the vibe of this whole plot line: look how much the poor blue collar guy and Princess Allison have in common! She can teach him things about books, he can teach her about life! They ride out to make out point and look at the city. They talk about how they wouldn’t have been friends in high school and flirt. They kiss and more saxophone music plays! I am not sure how I feel about this pairing. It just seems sort of dumb and well, high school, but this show needs more sex, so it’s a step in the right direction.

mpep6 jake n allison kiss face

The next morning Billy and Allison have a roommate talk. She finally fesses up about tutoring Jake and Billy says how ridiculous it would have been if Jake and Allison had been hooking up because they are so different. Allison starts talking about the walls people put up to protect themselves and it’s clear she is going to get hurt in this scenario. Billy doesn’t notice.

mpep6 madsad billy

Sandy tries to tease Jake about Allison and he tells her to stop. She says she just wants him to be happy. He tells her the truth about studying and she is obviously relieved that he isn’t dating Allison. They flirt for a bit.

mpep 6 sandy happy

I actually really like them together. Sandy has become more likable as the season goes on which rarely happens with television characters. She is no Summer Roberts (Rachel Bilson on The O.C., who went from being terrible to awesome, mostly due to a  change in how her character was written) but at least she isn’t getting worse.

Rhonda shows up for her audition and Matt is there coaching her. Maybe the halfway house boys were kidnapped on their vacation and are never coming back so he doesn’t have to go to work? Matt is such a sweet coach in his baseball hat though!

mpep6 Matt the coach

He’s no Coach Taylor but he is trying. We see most of Rhonda’s dance routine from the back because it is probably an actual dancer performing. It’s too bad because when they do show us Vanessa Williams dancing she makes the best faces ever.

mpep6 rhonda dancing face

Maybe it is mostly her dancing because the routine seems pretty simple and slow. I feel like she brings way more game to her classes. Teresa seems pissed the whole time she is watching but she comes out after and tells Rhonda she did great. They have a heart to heart and Rhonda reveals that she doesn’t want the job, even if they offer it to her. She loves her life as it is.

Allison shows up at the testing center to see how it went and she and Jake talk about the kiss. Allison wants to stay just friends which kind of surprised me, but I am glad they went that direction. These characters have seven seasons to make terrible decisions.

mpep6 party graduatoin

The whole gang surprises Jake at Shooters wearing graduation caps. They give him a fake diploma and celebrate. I love the moody extra next to Allison.

Overall, it was a pretty great episode. There was making out, dance routines, and lots of Matt being sweet. I am happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Season 1 Episode 5: Leap of Faith

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Warning: this the abortion episode. It wasn’t my idea, guys. It’s still Melrose Place though. Let’s remember it’s just a soap opera and get through this.

mpep5 matt in socks

We open on a night time poolside dance party. I call bullshit on Matt wearing socks with sandals, even if it is 1992. He is a self-respecting gay man, please. To be fair though, I wore a Baja jacket for most of 1992 and I like to think I dress well now.

Me with my big sister. We had matching haircuts and Baja jackets, circa 1992:

mariah and me bajas

 

Billy gets thrown in the pool and says someone better know a good dry cleaner. Billy definitely doesn’t own anything that needs to be dry cleaned.

mpep5 throwing billy in pool

We find out Billy just got a column in a newspaper  and that’s why they are celebrating. Billy plans on writing about his own adventures and Jake looks incredulous. So this episode is going to be about Billy trying to find adventure. Spoiler: this ends up being the b plot and it is the least interesting adventure ever.

Then shit gets real. Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test while Michael blathers about going camping in Yosemite through the door. The pregnancy test is positive and look it how weird it looks: Is this really what pregnancy tests used to look like? I only knew it was positive from her reaction.

mpep5 weird pregnancy test

Jane says yes to Yosemite but she wasn’t really listening because she is PREGNANT. She doesn’t tell Michael. Instead she tells Allison the next day at the boutique. I can understand being freaked out but telling Allison instead of your husband is weird or at least a bad sign for your marriage. Okay, apparently he rushed off to the hospital and she will tell him tonight. We’ll see.

mp ep5 Jane tells Allison - Copy - Copy

Hey lady, I’m pregnant! That looks cute on you, you should get it.

Billy is writing on his baby computer but he can’t think of anything to write about because his life is boring. He decides to go to the bar because all great writers drink. Ugh, there were definitely people like this in my college writing workshops and they were usually the worst.

mpep5 michael and Jane Dancing

It’s the next night. Jane and Michael are at a Mexican restaurant with a dance floor (which seems weird, right?) and she still hasn’t told him. Michael guesses something is up because she is trying to get him to drink and instead of telling him she is preggo, Jane tells him she wants to have a baby. OMG, Jane, just stop. That is so manipulative and unfair. He, of course, says they are too broke and should wait at least five years. He is very blunt and a little condescending about it and so of course Jane says nothing.

mpep5 bar drinking

Billy and Allison are doing shots at Shooters so he can become a better writer. Billy hates drinking but he wants to be a true writer and have adventures. Ugh. Allison points out that he doesn’t have to drink or even have adventures to write. “Look at Emily Dickinson!” Fun fact: Emily Dickinson is my favorite hermit in history. I once wrote a terrible sketch that featured Emily Dickinson and Miss Havisham from Great Expectations as contestants on Rock of Love. It was so dumb, but I loved it. Allison is great sometimes. Billy responds by calling Emily Dickinson a candy ass. He’s a true wordsmith. Just at this moment, a man in a leather jacket and a neck brace walks into the bar.

mpep5 neckbrace dude

Billy asks him how he got hurt and he tells them about his awesome bungee jumping trip. Allison points out that it doesn’t seem that awesome since he is wearing a neck brace. He simply responds, “whiplash!” like that is a cool thing to have. Billy of course wants to go bungee jumping now because he is a highly suggestible child and he convinces Matt and Jake to go with him.

Michael is still talking about how much he doesn’t want babies. He reminds Jane that she has dreams too. She wanted to create a line of  “funky evening wear” and sell it in the boutique. PLEASE LET THAT HAPPEN IN THIS EPISODE! Again, Michael thinks they are only discussing the possibility of a kid, although Jane is pouting enough that he should be able to figure out something is up or at least realize that he already has a child, her. I like her hair and lipstick though. If you are ever forced to get a fashion bowl cut, sweep it into a side part and it will be okay.

mpep5 pouty jane

Sandy and Rhonda are cooking dinner.. Rhonda is making fish and Sandy wants no part because it is healthy and she only eats junk food and never exercises. Rhonda points out that metabolisms don’t last forever and f is she right. I like their friendship. I wish they had made a spin off sitcom. It would be called Roommates and it’s a comedy about Sandy and Rhonda but you still see all the Melrose drama going on in the background. It would be great in the later seasons. “Someone’s dead in the pool!” “Yeah, but I have two dates scheduled for tonight, what am I gonna do?”

mpep5 rhonda cooking

Jane knocks on the door. She is very manic and has dresses for them to try on. The dresses are from her funky evening wear line, but they look like Laura Ashley church dresses. They are also giant.

mpep5 jane's dresses

It looks like she didn’t measure anything and just kind of guessed some people like dimensions as she cut.  Jane is rightfully super upset with how they look so Rhonda offers her some fish. Instead of using words to describe the meal, Rhonda picks up the whole fish and brings it into the living room to show Jane (just in case she hasn’t heard of cod). Jane pukes and Sandy immediately guesses she is pregnant.

mpep5 rhonda with fish

She tells them she doesn’t know what she wants to do and hasn’t told Michael. STILL? How many days has it been? She had time to make two tent dresses.

mp ep5 young scared billy

We now cut to Billy having a nightmare about jumping from a high diving board as a child. Billy is afraid of heights, and he chose bungee jumping as his adventure activity! I don’t even care.

mpep5 allison n billy nightmare

Allison hears him scream and comes to check on him because she is his mother figure/love interest. Instead of comforting him, she tells him that if you hit the ground when you fall in a dream, you die in real life. I stand by my theory from the last episode that Allison is a witch. THEN she tells him a story about two college kids trying to bungee jump off a building, making the rope too long and dying! Billy says he has to do it to prove he can take risks. Allison leaves, but not before creepily saying “just make sure they make the chord the right length.” They are trying to show that she cares but it just sounds like she’s trying to curse him. Witches, ugh.

mp ep 5 allison the witch

Jane goes over to Allison’s to talk and confesses she wants an abortion, but this is 1992 so she will probably have a miscarriage instead. When was the first television abortion? I clearly remember Julia on Party of Five getting pregnant, deciding on an abortion but then having a convenient miscarriage instead and that was in the mid to late 90’s. I got curious and found this timeline of abortion on television. It is pretty interesting. There was an abortion on Maude in 1972? I’ve never seen that show and I had no idea. Wasn’t it a comedy? I guess I just assumed it was because of Bea Arthur. At least this episode is making me learn things.

Here is Billy looking like a puppy in the back seat of Matt’s Jeep. He’s so excited to get to go on a ride, you guys!

mp ep 5 billy as a dog

Jane tells the other girls about the clinic when they bump into each other in the courtyard and they offer to go with her. It’s just like in the Girls episode when they all go to the clinic together! The clinic doctor looks a little like Dr Quinn, Medicine woman which is fun.

mp ep 5 dr quinn

Billy conveniently reads the liability waiver aloud so we can hear how scared he is.

mp ep 5 billy scared with paper

. They even have him stutter a little as he reads to really drive the message home. He gets ready to jump and goes completely limp, flashing back to his pool nightmare. He bails on jumping, but Andrew Shue does some of his best acting yet trying to look scared.

mpep5 scared billy 2

Maybe Andrew is just scared all the time in real life and this was his chance to let it shine through. That would make sense. I also noticed that his flashback is super weird. He is at the top of the high diving board with his parents cheering him on below but it is night time and there are no other people in or around the pool. His parents also look kind of old and are wearing business attire.

mpep5 billy's parents

These could all be style choices but they don’t make any sense. It was probably cheaper to rent the pool at night and not hire extras so they pretended it was a choice.

Sandy and Allison are still in the clinic waiting room and Sandy confesses to having had an abortion. She tells Allison about it while wearing a scrunchie.

mpep5 sandy scrunchie

She was 16 and training for the Miss America pageant. She slept with the son of a pageant judge because she thought it would help. This is the quote of the episode. Please read it in your worst Southern drawl.  “You don’t sleep with a man to get something unless what you want to get is pregnant.” There is really dramatic music in the background but it’s Melrose music so it’s dramatic but still heavy on the synthesizer.

mpep5 rhonda casserole

Genius Rhonda brings Jane and Michael a dish of low fat fettuccine (the 90s!) and tells Michael she figured they wouldn’t be in the mood to cook. Oh, Rhonda. Wouldn’t you check before you did something like that. “Hey, I was going to bring you a pity casserole. Did you end up telling your husband about your abortion?” Rhonda means well. I will just keep reminding myself of that.She tells him that she understands.They are so young and they can have a baby later when they’re ready. Michael freaks and Rhonda runs away. There is an amazing shot of her walking up to her apartment muttering to herself and gesturing, like “damn it, Rhonda you did it again!”

mpep 5 muttering rhonda

Jane comes home and Michael confronts her, thinking she has already had the abortion and not told him. Jane tells him she didn’t have an abortion. She now wants the baby. Michael storms out and they finish the fight in the courtyard in front of everyone.  He leaves the complex and the men follow him. They chase Michael down the street saying stuff like “Women, you know? They’ll drive you bonkers!” Matt awesomely says, “Men aren’t any better!” I love Matt. I do want to give this show credit for having a grounded, non-stereotypical gay character in 1992. They are not trying to make him into some gimmick. Although they could give him his own plotlines. They look like a 90’s version of Entourage here.

mpep5 entourage

We then cut back to the girls. They are dangling their feet in the pool while they eat the fettuccine and girl talk. Rhonda says she is sorry and that she wishes she had never learned how to boil water. Rhonda, how many marriages have you ruined with pasta?

mpep5 girls n pool n pasta

The boys are drinking at the bar and Michael is rattling on. When he finally brings up the pregnancy all the dudes are like, “What baby?” Then they all congratulate him like everything is fine and apparently it now is. Michael just needed a beer and his bros. Now he is excited to go home and talk to Jane.

mpep5  michael and Jane make up

They decide they both really want the baby and hug, Jane apologizes for not thinking she could talk to him. And they start laughing and calling each other Mom and Dad. Gross.

Billy reads Allison his story. He discovers that life is the adventure, not risking death. Is this a column for Readers Digest?

mpep 5 billy and his dumb computer

I can’t see his tiny baby computer without laughing hysterically. Was this a thing? I have no recollection of these adorable machines. Billy narrates what he is typing out loud as all writers do. He talks about Michael becoming a dad and how cool life is then he says “Move over Doogie Howser!” This is confusing. I remember Doogie Howser typing diary entries but Billy is writing a column for publication. He is either comparing his professional writing to a teenager’s diary, making a meta nod to the fact that he is typing on a television show, or he thinks Michael’s baby will be a tiny doctor because Michael is a doctor.

I can’t wait for Sydney and Amanda to get here. The show needs them.

 

Season 1Episode 4: For Love Ore Money

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I went into this episode with pretty high expectations because of the pun in the title and thankfully I was not disappointed. Darren Star is finally hitting his stride.

We open on Jane and Michael are jogging and he is wearing a Dr Seuss shirt.

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We then see Jake working on his motorcycle next to the pool. Michael has to tell Jake to pay his rent and move the bike which just makes Jake super angry.

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I understand life isn’t going your way, Jake but come on. It isn’t Michael’s fault. Own your shit. This turns out to be the only time we see Michael and Jane in the whole episode! I guess it makes sense with such a big cast that people would have smaller plots occasionally but they aren’t even supporting members in any of the sub plots.

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A young Jonathan Silverman works at Allison’s office and is flirting with her by bringing her pastries in manila envelopes. This is before you had to worry about carbs or gluten or sugar. What a simpler time. Although this is still LA and fat free was pretty big in the early 90s. I guess some people still eat donuts, it just seems like a risky first move.

Jake tries to get a job at a cafe but it is sadly not the Peach Pit. That would be the only acceptable 90210 overlap in my opinion. Jake and Nat hanging out and drinking coffee while they talk about girls would be delightful. This diner is actually a fancy coffee shop run by an uppity Englishman who DOES NOT want to hire an actor or a model. Luckily Jake only looks like one. Cappuccinos are a fancy new novelty and this place makes them! Jake has tried one before but it’s all basically Mr Coffee to him. The Englishman is not impressed but Jake backtracks and seems to get the job.

mpep4cappmach

Jonathan Silverman analyzes Allison’s lunch and she brings up high carbo snacks. Did we used to call it low/high carbo? That is way funnier. I also didn’t think that was a thing until the late 90’s. I guess diet trends took a while to hit my radar as a child in Maine. I had a “MTV”s the Grind” workout video though.

mpep4 the grind

Oh, Eric Nies, what are you up to these days? Jonathan Silverman confesses he’s the son of one of their agency’s big clients and Allison is totally impressed.

Jake is having difficulty learning all the new kinds of coffee (like lattes!) when an ex-girlfriend, named Carrie, waltzes into the coffee shop. This actress is just terrible. I take back everything bad I said about any of the other actors on this show, even Amy Locaine. Although to be fair to this lady, it is hard to act honestly when you have to say lines like, “I love the way you bury that nozzle. You always did have the touch.” This is what she looks like when she says that:

mpep4 carrie nozzle line

Carrie tells him she is an art dealer and tries to get him involved in a project/scam that will make him a lot of money. He refuses but she writes her number on his bicep anyway then leaves. This scene feels like a porno without any porn.

mpep4 carrie bicep writing

We finally get to see Rhonda and Matt. Matt is pissy because they cut funding from his halfway house and they had to let the cook go. Rhonda volunteers to help out and cook the next day, but you know she is not going to show up because Matt is skeptical and basically says, are you sure, I know you’re very flaky and I need someone I can rely on. This will not go well but at least we get more Matt scenes.

mpep4 allison's dolls

Rhonda and Sandy bring Allison a dress to wear and Billy comes in in his towel to talk to them about the battle of the sexes. More importantly: Allison has a creepy doll collection in her bedroom and no one is talking about it. No wonder she is always miserable, she is obviously either part grandma or witch.

On their date, they talk about their dreams and advertising. Allison tells Jonathan Silverman about her ad campaign idea for his dad’s company. According to Allison, sunscreen is so 90’s, it’s ecological, and sensual. “It’s hotter than a burn.” He is going to steal this line from her, for sure.

mpep4 allisonkissing

 

They make out by the pool at the end of the day and Billy watches through the window. I think we are supposed to think this is sweet/sad? It’s definitely my favorite screenshot.

mpep4 billyrear window

The next morning, Rhonda is making up new aerobics routines by the pool. I wish they had made a spinoff workout video. Jazzercise with Rhonda. I would have been way into it. The girls ask Allison for details on her date but she doesn’t have any because this show doesn’t have any sex yet. They’re saving themselves for season 2.

mpep4 rhonda pooldance

Oh no! Jake’s ex, Perry (Apparently that is her name, not Carrie), shows up at the apartment complex and Sandy tells her Jake isn’t home. This exact scene has already happened. Sandy lounging poolside, a girl knocks on Jake’s door, she gives them the what for.

mpep4 poolside secretary

Rhonda shows up at the shelter to tell Matt she has to bail and he is pissed. He needed her help etc etc. To be fair, Rhonda flaked and is bailing to cover for someone at work. I can see why he is frustrated but at least she is letting him know and it is for work. It’s annoying but I think Matt is displacing some shit. Or maybe I am because I often overcommit then have to bail on stuff. I’m sorry, Matts in my life.

 

Allison overhears her boss talking to Rick/Jonathan Silverman and he steals her sunscreen tagline, of course, and pitches it as his own. Allison confronts him and he is a real dick. He pretends that he had already thought of the exact line the week before he just didn’t say anything when she told him at dinner. That is a terrible cover.

mpep4 allison and lady boss

Allison tells her boss, who is sort of sympathetic but basically says tough break. She tells Allison to be less trusting and keep her ideas to herself. This scene reminds me of Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter is Dead. I guess just because there is a tough but fair lady boss in a power suit. I’m right on top of that, Rose.

don't tell mom

Anyway, Allison’s boss is understanding but, he is the client’s son. The world isn’t fair, it sucks, but it’s also true sometimes. Allison doesn’t care and quits dramatically.

Jake gets in trouble for giving someone decaf and quits his job. I feel like a lot of the people on Melrose could actually be on disability because of their personality disorders or inability to function in the real world.

mpep4 payphone bicep

Jake calls Perry from a payphone (!) and apparently her number is still on his bicep even though it has presumably been at least a day or two.

She tells him about her art scam and name drops Phil Collins. This is great. Perry wants Jake to pretend to be a tortured artist and she is going to tell rich collectors he is hot in the art world, and they will buy his art. While sleazy, this doesn’t  actually seem illegal. She isn’t selling forgeries, she just wants to make him seem like a big deal. They pour paint on each other (they are both wearing white so it is extra dramatic, then they roll around on the canvas and do it. (finally!) Please observe her collar.

mpep4 jake and perry paintmpep4 jakeperrypaintmore

Alison is eating ice cream from the carton with giant wooden spoon. The set decorator also threw in a box of Cap’n Crunch and a giant Teddy Bear to bring it all home. She is REALLY sad.

mpep4sadallison

Billy tells her to stand up for herself and not cave in so easily and she is inspired and comes back to work. He doesn’t mention that he watched her longingly as she made out with Rick. Her boss  gives her an opportunity to work with Rick and present ideas to the suncreen account. (Rick’s dad). At first, Allison is a little pissy. Her boss has to convince her that it is an opportunity before she accepts it. Allison, you’re pretty much the secretary and they are letting you pitch ideas. Be grateful.

Allison is working with Rick and she gives him a big speech about how she’s learned a lot from him, like how to watch her back. She tells him to come up with his own ideas and leaves. It is pretty badass actually, especially for a grandma witch.

Jake and Perry are at a big fancy party where she is trying to sell him as a tortured artist. This is not really a scam, She is even using his real name. It’s tacky but it’s really just P.R. He even really helped her paint the paintings, but we are definitely supposed to see it as super sinister. I love the outfits they put the big money art patrons in. Is the guy in the bandanna a real celebrity cameo? I don’t recognize him but I hope that’s the case and he insisted on his own wardrobe.

mpep4jakeandartfans

Jake walks in on Perry doing coke in the back room and is disappointed and hurt. She offers him some and he says he doesn’t do that anymore. He storms out and tries to give someone the “fake” painting. It isn’t a fake though. He and Perry did paint it while they f – ed.

mpep4painting

Here is a great shot of their butt prints. Now I am not a painter but I’m pretty sure they would have had to wash their butts off in between prints to get those colors to come out so clean. The colors don’t look mixed. Basically, I don’t think this painting happened organically during sex.

mpep4allison storyboard

Allison’s meeting goes well. She has even made storyboards and even thought her drawings are creepy, witch drawings, the client likes her ideas. Rick then presents and it goes horribly. Allison feels bad for him and pretends he helped her with her other idea. She presents it as his idea because she can see he has dad issues. It was pretty nice of her. Allison is a nice witch.

mpep4 aerobics class

Rhonda’s work out class is awesome. I want to take it. I wish they played more recognizable 90’s jams but it probably wasn’t in the budget. Matt comes and apologizes to her but then takes it back a little, then they are cool. Matt joins the class and they all embrace teaching him the moves.

We go to Shooters for the first time all episode and finally see Sandy some more. She and Jake flirt. They deserve each other, in good and bad ways. They share their deepest fears in about 30 seconds then decide to play pool.

mpep4 jake and sandy

Jake decides to sell his motorcycle because he needs the money but the motorcycle store isnt buying. BUT they want to hire whomever put Jake’s bike together because he’s an artist. This is of course Jake. Problem solved. I find it hard to believe that anyone would be so wowed by a mechanic’s artistry that they would immediately want to hire a person sight unseen based on looking at a bike they fixed for five seconds but I don’t know anything about motorcycles so I’ll give the writers the benefit of the doubt on this one.

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The girls then enter Matt’s halfway house singing “I’ll be there” giggling and carrying groceries. I would be embarassed/concerned but Matt seems touched.  There was very little Billy in this episode and I missed him more than I thought I would.  Some after episode research also proved that Rick/Jonathan Silverman was not actually Jonathan Silverman at all and this is what Eric Nies is up to:

mpep4 eric nies

Lost and Found: Season 1 Episode 3

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Holy shit! This episode opens in a Blues club that liberally uses a fog machine. Billy has slicked back hair and a lady in a red dress eyeing him from across the room as she dances seductively.

MP ep1 Billy in jazz club

It is supposed to feel like film noir but it’s such an early 90’s take on film noir and not in a good, David Lynch way. I can’t tell if it’s a dream or an acting class. Of course. We are inside Billy’s imagination! Billy is writing a screenplay about a private eye and it is clearly terrible. His computer is also super tiny and old-fashioned.

mp ep 3 billy's tine computer

Jane is making out with Michael’s neck as he skims the pool. They are celebrating their 3 month anniversary in LA and apparently eating hot dogs is an important part of this.

mp ep 3 jane and michael by pool

Sandy and Jake meet up and flirt in the laundry room. Sandy notices that Jake is washing his sheets and Sandy asks him if he is washing them because of Kelly. This is actually kind of astute of Sandy. Dudes like Jake don’t wash their sheets unless they just had sex or think they are going to have sex. Jake insists he and Kelly are just friends. Here is a picture of Sandy’s attitude and cleavage for fun!

mp ep 3 sandys cleavage shot

David and Steve are shopping with Kelly at the Gap or a fancier version of the Gap and yet again telling her Jake is trouble. We need to move on from this, guys. It is getting old. Melrose is established. We don’t need any more 90210 cross over. (I realize I am pleading with a writers’ room that is 20 plus years in the past, it’s cool.)

Michael has to cancel his date with Jane because he gets to scrub in on a fancy surgery. The best part is that the other surgeons in the break room seem to be playing Gin casually like they don’t have patients to save. This is no ER (the show).

mp ep 3 drs playing cards

Billy asks Allison to read his screenplay and give him feedback by tonight. You can tell by his confidence (and the opening sequence) that it is going to be terrible. Jane and Sandy decide to have a girls night at Shooters. Also we find out Jane is only 23. How old is Michael supposed to be? He looks 35. 23 seems so young to be married, but that might just be me projecting myself onto the people of Melrose.

mp ep 1 hotdogs and candles

Jane brings Michael a candlelit hot dog dinner at the hospital. It is sort of sad and creepy. Michael can’t stay and celebrate because he has to go perform surgery which she knew. It’s a little unfair to get mad at your surgeon husband when you surprise him at work and he can’t hang out because he is busy performing surgery. He encourages Jane to go out with the girls and she does. She and Rhonda go to Shooters and decide to flirt with some gross Uncle Jesse impersonators. (The one on the right is Richard from Lost!)

mp ep 3 uncle jesse impersonators

Before they come over, she takes off her wedding ring. This is what happens when you get married young.

Matt is finally allowed to be in scene for a second and he is charming even though he is wearing a sports coat with jeans and white sneakers.

mp ep 1 matt's fashion

He invites Allison to a wild party in Laurel Canyon but she has to stay home and tell Billy how bad his script is. Matt gives is very helpful and tells her her to either lie then immediately changes his mind and tells her to tell the truth. He suggests she make him dinner to soften the blow. Seeing how Allison can’t make coffee, I am not sure that dinner will help. Billy comes home and complains about his day and immediately gets suspicious of Allison making tuna casserole for him BUT he thinks she is making it to congratulate him because she loves it. It’s a tough call but I am officially dubbing Billy the village idiot of Melrose Place. (There were so many screenshot options for this.)

mp ep 3 dumb billy

Kelly and Jake are back together but not. They are going to make dinner at his place. He can’t afford to buy all of the groceries but must because of his pride. Kelly puts the ice cream she had picked out back. I am bored with them. Although Kelly does mention that this fancy Parmesan cheese she found is a potent aphrodisiac. When you have dairy issues, the idea of cheese being a turn on is insane, but a quick Google search did prove that some people on the internet agree with Kelly.

Conclusion: cheese is a selective aphrodisiac.

mp ep 3 jake and Kelly at the G store

Jane and Rhonda are still flirting with the gross boys. They want to take the girls to an after party and Rhonda really wants to go. Jane agrees as long as they get home by midnight. People party hard in LA. Note: Look at those necklines!

mp ep 3 jane and rhonda

After Billy goes on and on about his script for most of their meal, he finally notices that Allison isn’t talking. He prompts her to tell him what she thinks and she lets him down gently by saying “I hated it.” Come on, Allison. Compliment sandwich. That’s not even constructive criticism. It gets worse. Billy asks her what she hated and she then responds, “Everything.” There is no way Allison had friends growing up. If she did, they were family friends that were forced to play with her at large gatherings.

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Billy takes this all really well, of course. He storms out and Allison rolls her eyes. They are both horrible people, but I can’t help loving them.

Jane and Rhonda are at the after party/club, but it looks more like a high school dance.

mp ep 3 highs school dance

Jane’s boy quotes a Shelley poem to impress her but she apparently minored in romantic lit. and knows way more about Shelley than you would expect. Someone in the Melrose writers’ room was so happy that they finally got to use their undergrad thesis knowledge in their writing. Dude tries to kiss her and she tells him she is married. He doesn’t believe her and is kind of a dick about it. She tries to find her ring to prove it to him but she can’t find it. It is lost and she starts crawling around the club in that tiny dress to look for it.

mp ep 3 chopping onions

Kelly tries to make out with Jake while he is chopping onions. Chopping onions is the least sexy thing in the world. I was (sort of) wrong about cheese, but this time, I am right. A Google search of “Chopping Onions is sexy” yielded zero results. There isn’t a single person on the internet that agrees with you, Kelly Taylor. His eyes are watering and he is sniffling God.

mp ep 3 jake crying with onions

Jake doesn’t want to start something they can’t finish, which is kind of a dick thing to say to a high school girl. I just thought of something: is Kelly a virgin? I can’t remember my 90210 history. I know Donna was a virgin forever.  It is not clear if Kelly and Jake have had sex, but come on. They’ve totally had sex, right? Maybe that is not what Jake meant and I am the jerk. This show needs to get sluttier fast.

mp ep 3 billy and allison at bar

Billy is in a bar eating candy and drinking when Allison goes to find him. They forgive each other. Billy explains that this is the first writing project he has ever finished. He doesn’t want to face the fact that he might not be any good. I want to show him that Ira Glass quote that is making the rounds. Ira Glass says it better than Allison, but she tries to tell him to just keep trying, eventually he will get better. They have redeemable qualities.

Kelly turns the lights off at Jake’s and because the moonlight is nicer. It is really funny to watch her try to seduce him.

mp ep 3 kelly seducing jake

Jake tells her how wrong it is. She says she understands him better than he knows. There is a knock at the door and a lady shows up with a bottle of wine. The woman says she and Jake had a date and gets mad at him  then storms out. He follows her out and says thanks. She was just a friend doing him a favor. It was all an act to scare Kelly away. Kelly buys it outright and gets really upset. Seriously, Jake? You can’t just break up with her? You have to hire someone to make you look like (and become, really) a dick?

Jane is looking around the club for her wedding ring. They head back to the apartment complex and say goodbye to their dates. Jane tells her date he is a nice guy and thanks him for understanding that she is married.

Inside, Michael has lit candles and there are chili dogs waiting. This episode is teaching me that I do not know anything about seductive foods.

mp ep 3 billy burns his screenplay

Billy decides to use the grill to burn his screenplay. It’s 1992, recycling doesn’t exist yet. Jake and Sandy play pool at Shooters and Jake tells her about Kelly. I feel like she watched Streetcar Named Desire before every shooting day. Her accent is so put on and terrible. Sandy tells him he did the right thing. No, he didn’t. Staging an elaborate cheating scandal to end a relationship is not the noble thing to do, even if you’re doing it so you can end your relationship with a 17 year old. An anonymous bus boy that looks way too young to be working at a bar finds Jane’s wedding ring in the trash. Sandy returns it to Jane just as she was about to tell Michael about the greasy boy so she no longer has to be honest. Phew.

Man this episode was really lacking on fun. They did establish that Jake and Sandy are going to do it again eventually. I guess that’s exciting.

Season 1 Episode 2: Friends and Lovers

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The opening has gotten more complicated and includes weird vanity shots of the cast including this sultry shot of Vanessa Williams eating a French fry.

melrose ep 2 vanessa williams

We open on Allison complaining that Billy made the coffee too strong. Allison really needs to learn how to make coffee and stop relying on her roommates to caffeinate her. Maybe she should try something herbal. She is already very high strung. She is still nervous that her boss might fire her so I think it is safe to assume little or no time has passed. Billy says the same thing as last time. He can’t fire you for not having sex with him. This is the one logical thing Billy has thought of.melrose ep 2 billy and allison newspaper

We also learn that Billy is looking for a new job He wants to quit being a dance instructor. Not before you and Allison enter a dance competition, Billy!

We then get to see Jake in the shower. The water gets cold and Jake gets angry. He runs over to Michael and Jane’s dripping wet in a towel.

melrose ep 2 shirtless jake

I’m glad the writers have figured out what Jake is there for and they aren’t shying away from it. He wants the plumbing fixed now! Jake and Michael are both dicks to each other. Jake is stressed out and angry because he is unemployed. Michael is stressed because he has too many jobs. He is a doctor and the building manager. Writers please fix this situation! Sandy tries to tell Jake he likes the freedom of being unemployed but he can’t stay and flirt because he has to head to the unemployment office.

Jane tells Micheal she had a dream about the night they met and is all moony remembering it. That’s when she knew she was in love. Michael can’t remember the first time he knew he was in love with Jane and she becomes insanely angry about it. I understand being annoyed but she seems to always be picking a fight. She is wearing an insane renaissance bathrobe though, which I appreciate.

melrose ep 1 jane in bathrobe

Allison confronts her boss and he seems angry but then we IMMEDIATELY learn he already has sexual harassment charges filed against him by someone else. Well I guess that’s not going to be a plot line.

melrose ep 2 billy the cab driver

Billy has become a cab driver! I feel like that would not be a great financial decision but I could be wrong. He is also his own boss somehow. I don’t know much about how taxi driving works, but I don’t think you immediately become your own boss as Billy is implying.

melrose ep 2 sandys headshots

Sandy’s bartender boss tells her that all of her headshots are too airbrushed and cleavagy but we don’t really get a good look at them.  I want to agree because Sandy is terrible and she would have tacky headshots, but I need to reserve judgment for now. Although in the screenshot she does seem to be doing some serious poses in these pictures.

Kelly comes in looking for Jake. PLEASE let this plotline be over so she can return to her normal zip code. Sandy tells Kelly that Jake is at the unemployment office and points out yet again that Jake and Kelly aren’t right for each other.

melrose ep 2 billy and marcy in cab

Billy picks up a pretty young lady and she asks to go to the valley. How did taxi drivers get around before GPS? I guess they just had to really know the city. I feel like Billy would not be able to get around well.  The girl ends up sitting in the front and she and Billy fall in love. She tells him he looks like Springsteen. I think she means Andrew Keegan. They decide to get Italian food.

Back at the unemployment office Jake punches a bureaucrat because he is trying to keep a check away from a single mother. Of course Kelly walks in and witnesses the punch. She goes to jail to bail him out but her credit card won’t cover it. The bad boy appeal is wearing off for Kelly. Well it should be. She is wearing a cute sundress at least.

melrose ep 2 kelly
Billy brings cab girl back to the apartment and feeds her a strawberry before they start to make out. The weirdest part is that the strawberry was just sitting in a fruit bowl on the mantle in the living room. Los Angeles is crazy. Refrigerate your berries.

melrose ep 2 strawberry

Allison walks in on them making out on the couch and she is super jealous and pissy. The next morning Allison can hear them giggling and moaning and she walks towards the door to listen. Anytime I have ever overheard a roommate having sex I have found a way to drown it out as quickly as possible. I don’t understand Allison. Billy opens the door and she tells him he is crazy for sleeping with a stranger. Billy calls her out on being mad and she pretends she isn’t. They are perfect for each other.

Okay, now Billy is saying he didn’t have sex with Marcy (cab girl), they just made out and stayed up all night talking. What? That is a little hard to believe. Melrose was so tame in the early days. There is one funny moment. Marcy makes them guess her profession because she is weird and Allison deadpans Astronaut, which I didn’t expect. I like catty Allison.

melrose ep 2 catty allison

If Billy and Marcy just talked all night how did her job not come up. This is LA!

Jake is angry that Kelly bailed him out but really he is embarrassed. Jake then runs away as a way of saying thank you. She is the one in high school, Jake.

Allison comes home to a candlelit apartment and Marcy. For a second there is this Single White Female vibe and it is great but then they just talk about Billy. Who is apparently out buying groceries for dinner.

Marcy wants to girl talk. Allison says she just met Billy. Marcy tells her she is way too protective of him if they just met. Marcy is scary and seems crazy. Billy comes home and they go to his room to work up an appetite. Those are there words that they say out loud in front of Allison. I kind of get her being annoyed even if she isn’t in love with Billy.

We are now 23 minutes into the episode and we are just seeing Jane and Michael again. We still haven’t seen Rhonda or Matt all episode. This is lame. Billy and Allison are much easier to take in small doses.

Jane is still upset with Michael. I wonder how old she is supposed to be? She seems very immature, even for Melrose Place. I still love her hair though, it’s a fashion bowl cut.

melrose ep 2 michael and jane

Allison prances in to complain to Michael and Jane about Marcy. They try to point out that she seems jealous and she gets really mad. She asks to stay on their couch and they let her. I guess Jane is more mature than some people at Melrose Place.

melrose ep 2 steve sanders

There is another poolside BBQ. Billy is grilling and Marcy is trying to become friends with everyone. Steve Sanders is here! He is flirting with Sandy and even invites her to the Beverly Hills beach club! Marcy introduces herself and says “I’m Billy’s girlfriend. Oh god that sounds so high school. I’m his lover! I can say that, right?” Which sounds WAY more high school. To which Steve quips, “Not to me. I’m still in High school.” Which is great because a) he is making fun of her and b) even though he is trying to flirt with an adult he isn’t at all embarrassed about how young he is. Steve Sanders is the best. Marcy is my new least favorite character. Congratulations, Sandy, you’ve been promoted.

Allison tries to talk to Billy and he gets defensive. He is also getting scared because Sandy is telling all of his friends about their sex life. We then go into this great fantasy sequence where Dr Ruth is interviewing Marcy about Billy. This is great. I don’t know if it is the real Dr Ruth or not but I think it is. I quick google image search confirms that it is her or a very good knock off! Good job, Aaron Spelling.

melrose ep 2 dr ruth

Billy catches the grill on fire during this 25 second daydream. Grilling was his only skill.

melrose ep 2 billy burns the food

Jake comes home late to find Michael gardening in the middle of the night. He is too busy to be the property manager. Let Jake have the job!

Billy is watching a documentary about female spiders eating their mates. Subtle. Billy tries to ask for space. Marcy doesn’t get it. She drops the L bomb.

Billy asks Allison for help and actually says “I was in lust not love.” I took that Seventeen magazine quiz too, Billy. It was always really easy to pick out the answers that would allow you to score love.

Jake tries to pay Kelly back and they both get angry. Young love.

Billy and Jake meet up at Shooters to commiserate about women.

melrose ep 2 billy and jake at the bar

Jake is way too cool for Billy and in real life he would never let him hang out, I just want to recognize that fact. Maybe he is flattered that Billy thinks he is a guru when it comes to women. Jake the love expert who is dating a high schooler. Jake feels guilty and tells Billy to tell Marcy the truth. You can tell he is also telling himself what to do. Jake then asks Sandy out? I guess he wasn’t talking about Kelly.

melrose ep 2 breakup

Billy and Sandy meet up by the pool because a break up is best when done poolside. It increases the chance that someone will get thrown in. Marcy knows she is in love even though it has only been two days. We learn that this is a pattern for Marcy but she  acknowledges this and takes the break up pretty well for a crazy person. It was a two day relationship.

Jane apologizes to Michael and they promise to not lose the romance in their marriage. SPOILER ALERT: I wonder if the writers knew that Michael and Jane were doomed at this poin? I can’t remember when they split up but I feel like it’s pretty early on. They are being pretty sweet to each other now which makes watching it a little bittersweet knowing they both date about 15 other people before the show ends.

SPOILER OVER

Jake now goes to Kelly’s mom’s house because that is where she lives, because she is in high school. She answers the door instead of her mom which is too bad because that would have been great. Jake apologizes to Kelly and they decide to be friends and then he takes her on his motorcycle to the beach but she has to be home by midnight.

melrose ep 2 laughing and painting

Billy and Allison paint their apartment and have a heart to heart, they also agree to be friends but do not ride off to the beach on a motorcycle. They just start to laugh as they paint.

This was not my favorite episode, no one got thrown in the pool. We did see shirtless Jake though and shirtless everyone at the bbq so it wasn’t a total wash. What did we learn? Men and women can be friends even when they are secretly in love with each other at least until they date other people or start dating each other and then break up. Thanks, Melrose!